Fresh Underground Culture Magazine (FUCM) was launched on the 1st February 2003...

Fresh, underground, culture, magazine, fucm, fucmonline, fucmmedia, archives, Lazy-ass, mofo, guide, Melbourne...the lazy-ass mofo’s guide to Melbourne 2009-2010 issue will be on the streets as of June this year. It’s all about the best clothing, fashion, bars, restaurants, retail, tattoo parlours, hair salons, wellness clinics, and other random retailers.

It for a cross-section of ages from ‘gen-x’ all the way back to ‘gen-y’,

‘gen-z’ and ‘gen-a’ if there is such a thing. It’s a free press publication which

gives ‘youth’ the opportunity to pick up something for nothing...free.

Melbourne CBD: Eurotrash; Jwow; Terra Rossa; World bar; The Cats Meow; Fashion Incubator; Miss Lau; Roya; Smitten Kitten; Sticky Institute; Subject to Change; Thrill; Unico; Wildilocks@the Lockworks; Hosier Lane.

St Kilda: Big Mouth; Greyhound Hotel; Veludo; 19 Squares; Irwell’s; Eliana; Dot & Herbey; Island Girl; Corner Closet; Trash & Luxury; Cherry Bomb; Momac; Tonik hair; African Drumming; Voodoo Inc.

Prahran, Windsor: Destino latin bar; Katuk; Jaakan; Madspin; Plane; Queen; Moist; Moxey; Chapel Tattoo; Pole Divas.

Richmond; Cherry Tree hotel; Grand Hotel, Richmond; Platform 3; Flavours of Lakhoum; Cheeky Apparel; K-starr; This is it; Absolutely You; Monx Love; Dynamic Tattoo.

Hawthorn: Nevermind; FM; Alley Tunes; Lion in love; royal crown barbers.

Fitzroy; libation; radio; sentido funf; suede; hemley fsc; in.cube8r; polyester books; robio; shop sui; the t-shirt takeaway; sogo; rose street artists market; tattoo magic.

north melbourne; red monkey; rrose; town hall hotel; di bella; arthur’s circus; bamakko; call me madam; charles & calypso; kids in berlin; meek & folly; memoirs; thread den; all the kings men; eros; famous when dead.

northcote: bar nancy; northcote social club; open studio; cobra; madame farquah; manque design; souk; subterranean; tombo; punch; soapbox; salon duval; the movie reel.

Brunswick, East Brunswick: brunswick green; comfortable chair; arkitekt; blue attic; brunswick bound; lulamae; pussycat black; ruby patootie; villain; delilah; rhubarb; rommelik; green lotus.

Yarraville: yarra lounge; caffe urbano; loz; seta hair; sun theatre.

Ads: WSPA; the world society for the protection of animals; Tandoori Times; Tonik hair; 1200 bricks; WSD; Write shit down; Eurotrash; voiceless: the fund for animals; animals australia; cafe umalicious; colin moxey hair; salon duval; teneille clerke photography.

In beach volleyball the ‘knuckle’ poke is often referred to as either the ‘camel-toe’...hence the link to the ‘moose knuckle’ site coming from ‘cameltoe.info’.

it is also known as the ‘moose knuckle’...both of which also link to the shape made from pants that are so tight either the labia is parted (women), or the sack is pushed to either side (men). the site themooseknuckle.com is a site dedicated to the more satirical side of beach volleyball...based in australia, but by no means is the info just localised. It’s going to mention the FIVB (federation international de volleyball); the AVP (Association of Volleyball Professionals), and a host of others.

1200 bricks is a concept with the aim of converting alley ways into urban art galleries. 1200 bricks will begin in the notably nasty north of sydney suburb; wyong. At the Grand Hotel; also known as ‘the Chilli lounge’. Go to chillilounge.info for more information. It will take the best street artists, as well as the gifted youth, and give them an outlet to have their pieces treated with respect. The aim is to get the kids that are disrespecting the community by way of shit-ass tagging, to realise there is a way to go about things that is still cool, but doesn’t piss the community off.

Write Shit Down is a concept that will have many people telling a single story. More to follow.

The audacious adventures of bam & Gumpy; bam; gumpy; the guv; graf master mick; jarfrow tufro; moolah. The chosen ones; saving the earth; comic strip; animated series; on facebook; myspace; did we mention; facebook; myspace. BUGM; bam & gumpy’s band with umalicious, guests like; nikola dubois; maglite; and lemonade lamah.

flaccid news the only news source

that’s right this is the very one...the only, the one, the rectal manifestation...FLACCID news

Homeless man actually eats ass out

of low flying duck!

LOS ANGELES, USA - In a bizarre twist of fate for a now ass-less low flying duck; a Skid Row cardboard condominium owner has actually made good on a statement he proffered to a neighbour only minutes earlier.

Wesley Jackson; from the third row of boxes on the corner of 7th and Kent Streets was still trying to come to terms with the news that he'd actually bitten the entire ass off a low flying duck.

“Seriously dawg...I was just tellin my man 'Off Milk' that I was ravenous yo! And he asked me how hungry, and I said; I was so hungry I could eat the ass out of a low flying duck. Then outta nowhere comes a duck, and it was like instinct, man; I just bit.” Jackson said to a small group of reporters; still sporting some of the duck's faecal matter across the right side of his face.

Jackson, within hours, had been offered work on a duck shooting range as some light entertainment for Dick Cheney when he visits; but he declined, claiming it would conflict with his crack habit. The duck, at this stage has not been located. flaccid

Gorbachov finally cleans

shit off head!

MOSCOW, RUS - After 34 years in the public spotlight Mihail Gorbachov finally wiped the bird shit from his forehead. It came about during a drunken shindig at the residence of the former Soviet leader. A friend was noted as saying ‘Mihail can you please wipe that shit off your head! It’s starting to crust over’.

Initially thought to have been discarded by a white crested dove on the outskirts of Novibirski; the splatter of faeces has been confirmed to have come from the poo shoot of a London pigeon.

“How do you inform the leader of a global superpower that he has bird shit on his forehead? For many years this was an unanswered question. Last night we were very drunk and I just happened to throw it in. He laughed, looked in the mirror, mumbled something about ‘damned London pigeons’ and wiped it off.” Alexei Smalinov said when approached.

Apparently Gorbachov knew of the sky spawned butt licorice when it happened but was unable to wipe it off as he was posing for an outdoor wax exhibit for Madame Tussauds in Trafalgar Square, and needed to keep the pose. The poo was forgotten and later became known as the birth mark that wasn’t. The offending pigeon was never found. flaccid

Vanilla tasting banana shake

causes fracas

BERLIN, GER - A banana milkshake tasting a lot more like vanilla was the subject of a heated debate between a customer and the café worker that created the shake late yesterday.

Nicholas Kreiler of downtown Berlin ordered the banana shake in question from Jens Fulkder at uptown café Schlapp. After one solid suck, Kreiler blurted out to the horror of the café patrons “this banana shake tastes like vanilla!” Fulkder immediately asked Kreiler to ‘calm the fuck down’ or else he would slap him round like the ‘orally senseless bitch he was’. Whereby Kreiler reiterated his previous comment, following it up with ‘you vanilla tasting banana shake making uptown twat!’

“It was one of the scariest situations i think I have ever witnessed” said former WWII SS Commander Limper Bitz. flaccid

Potato farmer wins a million!

BALYKCHY, KYR - Voider Lakayev, a potato farmer from the small Kyrgyzstan town of Bashti won a million Som in the Kyrgyzstani version of 'Who wants to be a millionaire' on Thursday night.

The event watched by almost a million people, was three shows in the making, and culminated in what many considered to be a trick question. Lakayev, with no lifelines left, was asked 'What venereal rash did acclaimed mathematician Viktor Lubda pick up when he travelled to Botswana in 1999?'.

(Considered a trick question as Lubda had a penchant for crack whores, and picked up three separate venereal diseases in the space of four years travelling to Africa)

Lakayev picked C...gonad rot.

Host Laschti Laschtic tore up the small cheque and called out Roishti the Llama with a bikini clad unshaven model on his back holding a metre wide million Som cardboard cheque. The million Som cheque, equivalent to US$10, was signed off and handed over to Lakayev amid a barrage of balloons and confetti.

Kyrgyzstani President Askar Akayevich Akayev was on hand to witness the event, and paid tribute to Lakayev, "He did very well. I thought the answer was gonorrhea but lucky for him I don't know my own rash!" flaccid

HAWAII, USA - After pleas from the US government, Bam & Gumpy; The Chosen Ones swung into action late Friday afternoon to face off against, and destroy the evil scourge of a seriously ugly giant version of themselves in the centre of Honolulu.

Using their powers of sarcasm, flatulence, and a hint of smug along with the latest in ‘sonic coolicity’ laser gun technology, they beat their wannabe 2D foes into submission; tearing each a new asshole, before putting both boots into each of the new and old asshole’s, and sending them back into the Pacific ocean.

“...It was awesome! If it wasn’t for Bam&Gumpy, beating those weir-ass freaks Hawaii would be neck high in fuck-ugliness right about now!” Stated an onlooker as she watched Bam&Gumpy fight off their distorted 3Dselves.

Created by the Chosen Ones’ arch nemesis Dr G Colonfilling, using stolen samples of DNA from the ultra cool 2-dimensional Bam & Gumpy, and then spliced with 3-dimensional background characters; the clones were meant to mirror the masters of indifference...but a ‘drawing delay’ left them to fester on Graf Master Mick’s studio floor for three consecutive episodes; amongst the nuclear detritus of nasty-ass half eaten donuts, MDMA baggies, and an almost entire bottle of Pygmy brand quick grow...the result; massive fuck headed freak monsters!

Bam & Gumpy were unavailable for comment; however they did issue a statement confirming absolutely nothing. flaccid

Exclusive: Bam & Gumpy accept role

as 'chosen ones'

ST KILDA, AUS - After months of lethargy, the recently acknowledged 'Chosen Ones'; Bam and Gumpy, have broken their silence, revealing details of the exact moment they were informed of their new world saving ambassadorial roles, as well as the subsequent conversation that followed.

The interview, to be aired in coming months on the bamandgumpy.com website; shows the actual 'Chosen One' moment occurring, as the pair were at the time being interviewed for Back, Crack and Sack Monthly; the worlds leading male waxing magazine.

In response to a question querying how they felt, Gumpy immediately became anxious; "Fuck no! Fuck... I don't wanna go to Nam... fucking draft!" Bam calmed Gumpy by informing him that Vietnam was now a "tourist magnet for backpackers and former British rock star paedophiles."

Gumpy then began ranting hysterically: "Fuck no! Fuck... I don't wanna go to Afghanistan! When you pick up a girl you don't know what they are going to look like til you get them home... it's like opening a Kris Kringle present from a work colleague with a $10 spending limit; even if the present is as useful or ugly as a pensioners ball sack, you still have to act like you like it!" Bam then responded; "We're not going to Afghanistan Gump. It may be worse... Tasmania" At which point they both screamed "Fuck no! Fuck..."

Guardian of the Chosen Ones; Jarfrow Tufro was quick to point out the amount of work required to get Bam and Gumpy up to scratch; "Those lazy-ass bi-atch-es need to get their shit in order, if they are going to save the world. Fortunately they'll have help with lovely lil ladies Umalicious and Sister Magdalene, but to beat the scourge of Shite the lyrical plagiarist, they all need to get those rings of Boompty on and use the force of the four fingers... that be BUGM bi-atch-es!"

Further transcripts from the interview will be published in Flaccid when they become available. flaccid